Maybe you're tired of the constant ruminating about your relationships or how others perceive you. You want to feel confident in social settings, but anxiety is holding you back. Maybe you have tried all the standard "skills" of deep breathing or positive visualization, but you still struggle to feel safe in relationships.

If you experience social anxiety or social phobia, you're certainly not alone. The desire to be loved and accepted is deeply human. Social anxiety develops as a way of protecting that need. But over time, it can make connection feel more difficult rather than secure.

Social anxiety often arises because past stressful relationship experiences have resulted in your mind and body associating social situations with threat. Therapy can restore a felt sense of safety, helping your nervous system recognize that present-day social interactions are different from past threats. Social anxiety has good intentions for you, but it may not be serving you anymore.

I provide therapy for social anxiety in New York using a warm and curious approach rooted in compassion-focused and psychodynamic models. I am here to help you understand why your symptoms may be present and how they may be showing up in your current personal relationships. As we unpack the whys, I'm also here to support you in building a more compassionate stance with yourself.

Anxiety certainly isn't just about "getting over it" or "pushing through fear." If that worked, you wouldn't feel anxious! Instead, the work is about learning how to slowly and steadily feel safer within yourself and around others. This can take time, and it may feel uncomfortable, but the efforts can lead to deep inner peace and more confidence.

Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder

All anxiety symptoms exist on a large continuum that can ebb and flow based on your current circumstances. That said, social anxiety feels persistent, even if it blends within the background noise of your daily life. It's hard to relax around others, and there seems to be a constant dread associated with "what could go wrong."

You may be experiencing social anxiety if you resonate with having:

Chronic fears of being judged or criticized: You may find yourself constantly anticipating others' opinions or worrying about making a mistake. These overwhelming fears can result in significant distress, and they may impact your capacity to enjoy the present moment or feel connected in various social situations.

Anxiety before social events or interactions: Even thinking about upcoming social interactions can trigger dread or worry. Anticipatory anxiety can make it hard to commit to plans or enjoy social moments.

Difficulty speaking up at work or setting boundaries: You might avoid expressing your opinions or fears if you're worried about rejection or conflict. This may lead to you feeling unseen, undervalued, or resentful of others. 

Rumination after interactions (“Why did I say that?”): This looks like replaying conversations over and over again, and thinking of ways you could have responded differently. The mental looping is a strategy you've developed to help you, but it can intensify self-criticism and perpetuate a sense of stuckness.

Patterns of avoiding social interactions or procrastinating on social obligations: In some cases, the desire to avoid social settings altogether feels like the safest option. It also can certainly provide temporary relief. However, in the long term, avoidance often magnifies negative beliefs, as it can make it harder to live in accordance to your values. 

Physical symptoms: Anxiety shows up in the body, as it activates the nervous system's fight-or-flight response. With that, you may notice symptoms of sweating, blushing, muscle tension, and fatigue when you're socially anxious. You may also worry about others seeing those symptoms, which can impact your level of safety.

Performance anxiety related to presentations, dating, or creative projects: Feeling "watched" or "on display" may trigger more self-consciousness. This can interfere with your social confidence and prevent you from taking important risks in life.

Negative thoughts about your self-worth or self-esteem: Most people with social anxiety have a very harsh inner critic that fuels themes of perfectionism and reinforces fears of rejection. These thoughts may feel habitual to you, and changing them requires both effort and patience.

The Connection Between Social Anxiety and Relationship Anxiety

Many of my clients who struggle in unfamiliar social settings also struggle in their close relationships, such as with family or significant others. This is because relationship anxiety can emerge out of social anxiety, particularly if early relationships lacked emotional support or attunement.

This interplay can be delicate, and it may show up in some of the following ways:

Difficulty identifying or asserting your needs in relationships: If you have internalized that your needs might overwhelm others or you have a history of neglect, you may have learned to override listening to your intuition.you may inherently ignore listening to your intuition. Over time, this can create relationships where you feel unsure of what you want or afraid to ask for it.

Overanalyzing shifts in connection or "reading into things": Small changes in tone or communication may trigger immense worry, leading you to search for hidden meanings. This kind of hypervigilance is a strategy for maintaining safety, but it can also reinforce high levels of anxiety.

Feeling anxious and worried over other people's emotions: You may feel responsible for how others feel and constantly assess their moods or reactions. This makes it difficult to relax in relationships or attune to your own needs around others.

Wanting more closeness or intimacy than others can provide: A deep longing for connection may coexist with social anxiety, especially if certain emotional needs weren't met earlier in life. If closeness feels inconsistent (or downright unavailable), it may intensify feelings of self-doubt or insecurity.

Fears around being "too close" and a preference for independence: Closeness can also feel overwhelming and unsafe. This may cause you to pull back or default to doing things on your own out of mere self-protection.

Staying quiet to avoid conflict but feeling resentful or unseen: Avoiding conflict can feel like the safest option, especially if you have a history of disagreements causing problems. But over time, silencing yourself may lead to frustration and a sense that others don't really know or value you.

Choosing partners or friends who may reinforce painful emotional dynamics: We are often drawn to what feels familiar, even if the familiarity hurts. Whether you realize it or not, you may find yourself in relationships echoing earlier emotional experiences.

How I Treat Social Anxiety Disorder

Some people with social anxiety also experience symptoms of other anxiety disorders. This overlap is common. In all cases, I use an integrative, non-pathologizing approach that focuses on understanding why your anxiety developed and how it continues to protect you.

It’s too simplistic to view social anxiety as something problematic that we must immediately fix. Instead, my goal is to help clients build more insight and emotional safety within themselves. This leads to deeper inner trust, and trust is the foundation for making meaningful changes.

Understanding your fears: Anxiety is often reinforced through negative thought patterns around yourself or others. In therapy, we slow down these thoughts and explore where they may have come from. This can help you relate to them with more curiosity rather than taking them as absolute facts.

Working through shame: Many people with social anxiety carry deep shame about their needs, emotions, or perceived "flaws." With that, you may have an intense fear of truly being seen by others. Together, we will gently unpack your shame and aim to develop a more compassionate understanding of who you are.

Processing emotions beneath social anxiety: Anxiety can sometimes inhibit us from accessing more vulnerable emotions like sadness, anger, and fear. Therapy gently raises awareness of the full spectrum of emotions, helping you better identify, tolerate, and process them.

Cultivating new coping skills: As insight develops, we will also spend time building social skills and coping strategies that support your goals. These may include learning how to self-soothe when anxious feelings arise, setting boundaries with others, tolerating distress in manageable ways, and responding to your own feelings with more self-kindness. Elements of exposure therapy (trying things out of your comfort zone) can also help you take reasonable risks that foster a sense of empowerment.

Harnessing your inner strengths and resources: Chances are, you have already discovered some potential ways to manage social anxiety. In therapy, we can build on what's already working by identifying your existing preferences and resilience. We can then gently expand certain coping strategies in ways that feel both authentic and sustainable.